Sex Ed 101: Be a
Virgin
by Carli Rosati
WGSS 2000
WGSS 2000
I think we can all remember our sex education classes – not
that there was really anything remarkable to remember. However, if there is one
thing that stuck out is this idea of abstinence only education. While this is
problematic within itself because it does not give the kind of education that
teens really need, it also creates an attitude that is rather obsessed with the
concept of virginity. Are you a girl? Yes. Are you married? No. Then you should
be a virgin.
So what exactly is this obsession with virginity? Why should
teens abstain from sex until married? Well, for girls, it’s going to be
painful. Girls are not going to get any type of pleasure from it. In fact, it’s
just going to be a bloody mess because your hymen will break. And really, is
that an experience a girl should just share with anyone she find attractive? This
is going to be a life-changing experience – going in a girl and coming out a
woman. Sex should be saved for the right time unless you want to live a life of
the morally corrupt.
There is a tremendous amount of consumerism that comes into
play with this whole obsession with virgins. Feeney outlines how weddings are
based on this idea of virginity: a white dress, a fancy ring. Women even go to
the extent to get hymenoplasties, so that they can relive the experience of
being a “virgin” on their wedding night with their husbands. There is a huge
market on packets of red dye that can be inserted in the vagina to mimic the
blood a virgin “ should” have.
These are the myths that are perpetuated in every facet of
girls’ lives, and especially within the classroom. Do these even hold up? In Living Myths about Virginity from the
Atlantic, Nolan Feeney debunks these myths. Sex does not always hurt. Actually,
fewer than half of women bleed during their first time having sex. This myth
about the pain associated with the hymen is so deeply engrained that sometimes
even gynecologists have a strong misunderstanding about this thin layer of
skin.
So what is sex like? Well, it varies. There is really no
blanket statement to sum up how all women with different partners and different
attitudes towards sex will experience their first time.
The bigger question is: What even is sex? Of course, in the
classroom, they only discuss penis-in-vagina, vanilla, cis-gendered,
heterosexual sex. But what about all the other ways people have sex without
“actually” having sex? What exactly can you do before you are technically not a virgin? What exactly
can a girl do before she loses it?
Well the answer to this is: there is no answer. There is no
explicit definition of virginity and what it means to lose it. What about oral
sex? Anal sex? Or just getting really handsy with a partner? What about
masturbation? What about if you are with the same sex? The lines become easily
blurred.
Greta Christina discusses her journey on understanding what
sex is. Christina has done everything you can imagine, and sometimes, she
gained more pleasure from being purely intimate with someone rather than PIV
intercourse. She has experimented with men, with women, in a peep show, at sex
parties and she still has no idea what her “number” would even be.
One thing that is certain is the way in which this language
of virginity puts extreme burdens on women. It is gendered, and really, it’s
violent. Feeney outlines the way in which Green explains in her YouTube videos
that this language of “she lost her
virginity” or “he popped her cherry”
is violent. It makes women the passive partner in this sexual relationship,
with men having something to gain as being domineering. What message does this
send us?
All this talk about virginity and the expectation of women
definitely does not promote a sex-positive society for teenagers to explore sex
in a happy and healthy way. The virginity complex perpetuates harmful and
inaccurate myths. It causes a negative outlook for sex. It does not allow for a
dialogue about pleasure. It does not allow for a dialogue about the queer
community.
Sex is not something to be feared. Sex is natural. Sex is a
choice. Virginity, in itself, is a myth. Let’s promote some positive,
understanding and real conversations about
things that matter: consent and pleasure.
Class Sources: Greta Christina “Are we having sex or what?”
Word Count: 751
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